Destruction and Resolution

So, there's this guy I'm dating. You know all about that. He...frustrates me. It's too much to even begin, but I have to give some idea, so think of these words: emotionless, unresponsive, roller coaster, cocky, sweet, thoughtless.

I realize only one of those words has a good connotation. That's where things stand right now.

He's been awesome this week, well...mostly. He's been nice and thoughtful and all, but I'm almost sure it's because I've been giving him a lot of breathing room. More on that soon.

He often forgets to get a hold of me when he says he will, chooses other plans over me, expects me to be the one to plan many things, and resents me wanting to know what he's up to. And he's still been a jerk even while being pretty cool this week.

Here's the part you've heard before, more or less. There's a guy at work, one I've fallen very hard for in recent days. He's funny and sweet and has fallen for me just as hard. He just yesterday broke up with his 16 year old girlfriend because they've been fighting and he's been tired of dealing with her drama. He's 20, for the record. And he liked me before the breakup, so I guess there's no worry about rebounding and such.

Last weekend, the guy I'm dating (Brian) had drill. Marine Corps, once a month, y'know. Was supposed to be his last ever, but last year he broke his collarbone and missed a few, and they just told him Friday he'd have to spend another full year in. He, big bad Marine with no emotion, admitted to crying, so I feel worse for feeling distant from him lately. Note that he didn't call me when this happened though. You know how I feel about people I care about getting a hold of me when things suck. Especially my boyfriend.

David and I have talked a lot. We -can- actually talk. Which is different from lately.

Do I want to be the bitch that ditches the Marine when he's down? Not really. But I'm so tired of the ups and downs and the jerk to sweet and being told I have thin skin and being teased about everything I do to the point that I feel particularly insignificant in comparison.

I like our inside jokes. Acting like penguins, joking about Left 4 Dead, Exalted, etc. Playing games together is fun, when he remembers not to tell me things like 'man, that shot sucked', and so on.

So where's this leave me? Infer from there.

I feel like my head's imploding. But could I really stay with someone so spiritually and emotionally uninvolved with the world around them? Could I be with someone more free-spirited, like Joe was, but to a much lesser extent? What's best for me? If you read this...insight would be lovely.
-O

Another one? Already?

Ok, well I am rather bored here, and I read your last post again...how'd your mom change the wedding? What's going on?

I'll throw you a wedding shower. Hell, I'll throw you a bachelorette party, too. I'll find a way to get out there, maybe this summer, just tell me when the wedding is, 'cause you know I'll take time off to be there for it. You were my sister for so long and I want to see you happy as much as I could ever want anyone to be happy.

So. Tell me when, we'll plan it, I'll get out there, and we'll party. We'll get your brothers and sister and your dad and even your mom if you want.

Now what was this about your dad cheating? I never heard anything about that! I'm so out of the loop, heh.

Over Thanksgiving, my aunt found this box full of my grandfather's paperwork, and there were pictures and birth records and a huge family genealogy report. My mom surprised us by compiling it all into notebooks for Ethan and I, and our cousins. Zach got all the mountaineering articles and such, Heidi got the academic stuff, Ethan got the Quaker-related letters, and I got the letters between my grandmother and her family back here on the East Coast. It was amazing. Pictures of my history and letters about these people I never got to know. A lot of the letters I got were my grandmother discussing her father's infidelity and in one of the letters, to her mother, she wrote something like 'Don't be too hard on him, mom, after all, he was very understanding when you cheated on him a few years ago.'
Heh, it's like 'woooah. ok. Guess this sort of thing was talked about, a bit at least.'

Now I really should go, but catch me up on details! And know I'll never judge you. I'm proud of you for living the way you want to, and so glad you found Reece. He's really good to you.
-O

The East Coast

I always worry about my decisions. Like the choice to break up with Michael, or the choice to move here to NJ. The decision to change to linguistics as a major, and trying to figure out what I need to graduate. I'll go see my advisor, but I never seem to have time, and she won't get back to me! Maybe if I report her or something. I need to talk with her and figure it out.

Anyway, I'm here in NJ. I have an apartment dorm thing with three girls - Jane, Emily, and Kim. They're cool. It's like having roommates that are the typical college girls but not the party girls. All their boyfriends come and hang out and they're mostly accepting of me being geeky and whatever. 'cause the whole geeky thing? I'm good at it.

Oh, man, so I have this new job, I've been here 3.5 hours today and still have nothing to do. I haven't been trained much, not enough, and no one is training me this morning. For whatever strange reason. I have to wear a stupid blue shirt that is, of course, too big for me. Maybe it will shrink in the washer. Laundry tonight.

I'm trying to figure out if I'll try to catch the train down to Matawan tonight and ask for a ride from Brian's mom, then I can use his computer all weekend for Double XP in CoH, since my campus internet is pathetic, but then I'm kinda stuck there. No car, etc. Or I can ride down on Sunday and get picked up by Brian or Alan or something. Then...ride down again on Monday for Exalted. Blah. I suppose I could just go down tomorrow instead. Have a day in my room and sleep in and stuff, and then go over and hang out and get in some Double XP stuffs. I'm nervous about hanging around his family without Brian there though, it's just sort of nerve-racking. I haven't met most of them, though his cousin Matt added me on Facebook, and Kelly will be there.

I should go...stare at the screen more. Pretend to work. Laundry this afternoon, class at 4, done by 5.20 and can just figure it out from there.

Hope life is well.
-O

Jessi

Judgement.. haha that's the story of my life! I'm the kind of person who doesn't change lanes again even though I just changed lanes into the wrong one, because I don't want people to think I'm stupid. Judgement is my middle name, well should be I mean my initial is J right? My life has been run by judgement for quite some time, and gosh why would that change now? Just because I moved out started my own life, got a decent job and found a man to marry? My own mother couldn't help but voice her judgement about my decisions and how I'm the most disappointing thing (well besides my dad who cheated on her and then had no job, of course I'm the result of her cheating on him so.. who can judge there eh?). My own mother ruined my wedding plans, ruined what I wanted to do and made me feel all the things I'd feared my entire life.. being a disappointment to my family. Reece will tell you, I am always worrying about what will be thought of me when I do something or want to try something. What if that made me do something my family would never forgive if they found out? What if I did what I wanted anyway, and just left them out of it because they hurt me in ways I never thought they would? My friends, could get over it, my family would just add it to the disappointment list. Maybe my mom had it right when she wanted to run away from everyone and everything and just be somewhere else. Maybe I should beg reece to look for police jobs in another state so my own family can't continue to make me feel like crap for my life decisions. "If its what you really want of course I'll feel excited for you and go alone with it" and that certainly would have worked.. had she not just sat there and told me she hates the idea and it's a disappointment.. so really what she meant is I'll pretend to be happy about it and underneath I'll be upset and sat and disappointed. Yeah like I'm going to be able to ignore my nagging mind reminding me every time she smiles it's fake. Grrr, and the sad thing is my dad supported everything, he cried with me he held me in his arms and told me how amazing I am. My dad. The man I couldnt' get along with to save my life when I lived at home. Suddenly HE'S the one who loves my fiance, HE'S the one happy with me moving out, HE'S the one supporting my wedding plans. What's worse is I didn't make my life choices irrationally to spite anyone, or just because of a guy. Of course Reece influenced a lot of my decisions, because when you find the man you know you will be with the rest of your life through ANYTHING then you factor him into your choices. But I didn't move out of my parents house and in with him to be a crazy rebellious teen. I'm GLAD I did it. If I hadn't lived with Reece before getting married I wouldn't know anything about him, I wouldn't know the things that would annoy me and I'd have to live with, I wouldn't know his habits. People put on a good front when you're dating and at the end of the day you go your separate ways (or you only spend the night once) we can all make ourselves look very appealing because we're trying hard. Well what happens when we stop trying? Sometimes it's not so pretty what you see, and for some people it's already too late. They waited, and now they're married and hate what everything changed to. (And guess who told me a story like this??? My mother) So I learned from their mistakes and did my own thing and made difference choices. And I'm happy knowing that he and I have lived together 3 years already, we're married in heart and spirit now it's just a piece of legal paper. And through all the crap we dealt with we had the CHOICE to be together or not, and we chose to stay together and work through the hard times. We weren't forced by the legalities of being married, we chose to make it work and continue on together. I like the idea that even when things were at their worst, he still chose me. He could have had anyone, and he chose me. Ugh I'm rambling, I just feel like I've needed to say so much and I've said it so many times, and reece is sick of me being upset about it and crying about it, he hates how much it hurts me. The best part is mom acts like it never happened because she called the next day and said sorry. And being the polite person I am I took it. What was I going to do? I'm not hurtful like she is, I wouldn't intentionally shove it back in her face as much as I'd like to. But every week I see her she's so happy and so loving of me, and why? Because in the end I gave in (or so she thinks) and said I'd do things her way. So now it's her wedding, because there isn't anything about it I awant anymore. I dont' even want to plan it, the idea disgusts me. I just want family and friends to come up we hang out ditch the wedding idea and just get to see each other all together for once. I don't want the dress and the ceremony, I just want the party and the fun and the love and the being together. I'm not a wedding person.

In other news I LOVE EDWARD. Edward being a sexy vampire in the best book I've read since harry potter (I haven't read many books so don't take that as anything lol ). I want my own vampire story, I'd write one but it's not fun knowing how it's all going to go. It's more fun when you only have a piece of it, and someone else plays off of you. If there is one thing I miss about having my canadian friend, it's the roll playing we used to do over the net. It was a nice escape to play someone else for a while. Right now I feel the need to get away from reality. I want my fantasy story.. I want something not normal and supernatural in my life. And why couldn't any of it be real? I mean in all the stories they spend most of their time trying to HIDE their presence, so who's to say that they don't exist they are just well protected from our eyes. And maybe not even that well protected, I mean the stories had to come from somewhere right? And more often than not, stories mythes etc start with something real. I'm grasping at straws, but I feel the need to believe there is something more than this life I'm living. Something more than the circle I live, and the routine I'm stuck in. I love my life and the people in it, but I want something more..adventure, excitement, maybe even some danger..

Onca

Guys...ugh. It's like no matter how I try to figure it out, my mind flip-flops from one second to the next. People say 'just concentrate on school for now, you don't have to settle down', but I feel like I'm just not the sort who can just be in school and not supplement it with other activities, wherein I fall for people. And, well, I don't want to give up the good things I have, now.

I'm trying to find where I fit into things. School-wise...do I want to stay at PSU? Work-wise, I love my job, but I don't intend to be here for good. I've got bigger things I want to do. That's why I'm -getting- a degree, hey? Romance...yeah. Where do I begin? It's like knowing I want one thing one minute, and not being sure if I can work it out or if that's best for me, the next. And pro/con lists just lean towards whichever decision I'm feeling biased to, at that point. And am I convincing myself a move or a different school is what I want so I can make my decision easier? This is my life...but that's why romance is important, because I like feeling loved, and I like loving others.

I'm finding ways to express my thoughts to some people. I just worry about judgement. I always do.

Well, what girl doesn't, really? I envy those that can be more carefree than I.

Jessi

Today is the last day of three. It happens every week, you'd think I'd be used to it by now. Another 4 day 40+ hour week ahead leaving before Reece is up, making sure the dog gets out, getting home after Reece is gone for work making sure the dog gets played with. That's why we got him really, I'm home alone most of the time so company and a reason for air is nice. This work life sucks, and there is no shift that would give me days off with Reece. We make it work though. But this whole puppy thing is like having a baby. Holy hell no sex for two weeks! It's hard enough with our off schedules but then being tired from the dog all the time just makes it harder lol I finally got the real estate position I've been applying for all year. I'm really nervous about it though. I'm just afraid I'm going to screw it up and it's a huge deal and everyone else just seems so.. good already. I know I've only been doing it for a week, I can't judge anything yet, but I don't like to be bad at anything. Gah!! Gotta go feed the dog and meet his girlfriend at the park